How To Celebrate Your 34th Birthday In Ten Easy Steps:

1. After waking up for your big day, stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror for approximately 15 minutes. While doing so, attempt to make funny faces or use your hands to push or pull around parts of your face. This can help remind you how much youthful elasticity remains in your facial structure. It can also scare the living fuck out of you.

2. When dressing up to go par-tay, choose your outfit carefully. You definitely want to avoid the ghastly appearance of a middle-aged golfer who probably has erectile dysfunction or some other socially embarassing ailment. Try putting together an ensemble that will make the world say, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to see some I.D., please."

3. What's a birthday without food? When choosing a restaurant to go in and get your grub on, try to pick a place that may have a target demographic of ages 18 to 35. Try to avoid being seated among large groups of small children or the elderly. You could be suspected by other patrons of being either a pedophile or Benjamin Button.

4. Time to work off that birthday feast, pal. Go for a pleasant stroll in a moderately populated area. An outdoor area would be preferred but indoor areas are acceptable. Be aware of all readily available exits in case of any emergencies, such as being caught staring at hot fat guys or being sadly reminded of your own single-person status.

5. Enough walking, lonesome. Turn that frown upside down and see a movie. Why not live vicariously through other fictitious characters instead of the few you consort with in daily life? If you're feeling a bit fragile, choose something of lighthearted and/or childish fare. You've got an inner child. Give it a lollipop and a balloon so it'll calm the fuck down.

6. You've got a gift coming your way. If not from friends or family, then just buy it yourself. You have money. You also have absolutely no loyalties to anyone. No way are you going to feel obliged to pretend appreciation for something as useless as a coffee mug or a coin dispenser. It's your birthday, god dammit! Buy the gift you were meant to have.

7. Who wants cake?! You've outgrown those days of sheet-length cakes topped with icing that tastes like sugary, liquified plastic. You pick the cake. Eat the entire fucking thing if you want. It's your party and you'll upchuck if you want to. Just don't feel pressured to blow out all the candles at once to make your birthday wish come true. That shit never works.

8. Now let the real party begin. Get a few beers and chug, chug, chug. But don't let it stop there. Throw back a few shots of Grey Goose. Maybe even some J.D. straight up. Hurry up and put on some music. You've got all this birthday energy! Don't waste it! Dance, monkey! Dance!

9. Have a rest, dancing fool. Take a few minutes to reflect on your 34th birthday and everything that's led up to it. Reflect on your successes, your failures, the mistakes you've made, the lessons you've learned and each and every one of the stupid motherfuckers that ever broke your heart in two. Now break down and cry. That's it. Just cry, cry, cry. Yell and scream if you need to. Whatever gets the pain out.

10. Alright, Birthday Boy. Wipe those tears away. This celebration has come to an end. It's beddy-bye time. Now turn off the lights, stagger into bed, pass out and forget this entire day ever happened.

Call it a night, hit the sack, and struggle to sleep for an hour or so?

Or go see "Zack & Miri Make A Porno" past my bedtime?

Fuck it. I'm wrecked in every way from this horrible week.

If anyone can possibly make me feel better, it's you, Kevin Smith.

Please don't disappoint.

I've found at least 30 things on this list that I actually like.

I'm well on my way to becoming a white person.



Take that, Mom and Dad!